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Borderline Personality Disorder

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real right now [17 Nov 2011|07:33pm]

This morning I cried a lot. That was actually good. Not a raging, isolated, terrified cry, but a (is this true? yes.) loving, healing, accepting and surrendering cry.

I then went into my day and had ups and downs... allowing and accepting that I am depressed. You know, this whole eastern message of "just release the suffering and be in the now" can be a mindfuck because sometimes I think we really just need to see ourselves for who we are and what we love, fear, and need to evolve.

Suffering is such a deep teacher, but that doesn't mean we go hunting for it when we're lost. 

So at 4 oclock i spoke to my counselor, who took me, via telephone, on a guided meditation. It is a body-integrating meditation that brings me into the stillness of my core. And then all was fine. Painful, but fine. Scary, but fine. It just is and who I am is not a composite of these projections, relationships and dramas. Who I am emanates from a timeless and infinitely ordered place. I don't know much of who I am and my crisis is centered in this lostness without my lover's daily incantations. What I do know is that who I am CAN BE FOUND AND EXPRESSED through a conscious dialogue with my own intimate being - a being that doesnt have to think its way in and out of every situation.

So for tonight I am feeling love for myself, and it is a very appreciated state.  
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ugh dramaz [05 Feb 2011|01:15am]

I hate when people make dramatic posts where we're all supposed to get riled up, and then they turn off the comments feature.

ugh maybe i just hate everyone today.

it's just one of those days. black and white, y'know.
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[03 Feb 2011|11:16pm]

Standing up for what you believe is never easy. Especially when it costs you. You may lose friends and acquire enemies and that's what I've done. I'm not brave or heroic. Quite the opposite but I've realised recently that I have even less if I am passive. It is a virtue to be hated for integrity than be liked for keeping your mouth shut.My illness has cost me a lot of friendships as a result of my erratic and often irrational behaviour.Being a pariah in a social scene is not something to be worn as a badge of honour. Alienating people out of anger is not something I wanted to achieve but unfortunately I have.

The city I live in has a very small punk scene that has recently been overun by Nazi skinheads.I refused to be a part of them having come from a country where I have seen the result of such hatred. The area I tend to socialise has become a hell hole. Tourists don't want to go there and the police have started patrolling.There is opposition from organisations but they often use violence and that's not something I want to condone. I have put myself in a difficult position. I don;t want to surrender my ideals out of fear and I don't want to make enemies out of people who are dangerous.Someone who I was a friend of has decided to adopt their attitudes and as punishment whatever perceived wrong has decided to sabotage my relationships. A good example of why one should never give people second chances out of pity. I am so angry with that person I could scream and angry for myself for being conned. Again.

My illness makes me see people in terms of black and white. I know this. But I have always prided myself on giving people the space to be whoever they believe themselves to be. But recently I have no tolerance. All I feel is betrayal and anger at the cruelty people in my life are capable of.And indignation that once again my side of the story won't be heard and I will once again bee that crazy girl and nothing I say now or ever will change that.At least they are people who can count on the fact I told the truth and am standing by it.
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[03 Feb 2011|02:00pm]

I would like to wake up knowing that my decisions are rational. I would like to feel in control, capable, and not simply lucky that my boyfriend is very patient.

I want to feel like a capable individual, not an emotional time bomb. I wish I didn't know so much about BPD. I wish I didn't know I had it. I would like to be a contributor, not a recipient. I would like to be considered useful, instead of a struggling work in progress. I would like to stop questioning all decisions I make. I wish I could manage my malfunctioning amygdala.

I wish the desire for escape wasn't so strong. Maybe then I'd actually make some progress.
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[02 Feb 2011|08:46pm]

I don't know how to deal with the random feelings of paranoia I have about my relationship. I am constantly thinking my boyfriend is thinking about his ex, thinks I'm boring, or is only with me because he feels like he has to be. And then I'll do stupid things like get really drunk and try to make-out with his friend (who is a girl), or accuse him of flirting with other girls, which I realize later was just me being stupid. I used to think this type of behavior I exhibited was normal...

And when I am feeling really bad, I have doubts about our relationship, and all I want to do is destroy myself.

I crave stability.

I want him to crave me, yet I don't always want to give him the attention back. And I feel guilty for this. :/
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Going Home Tmw [02 Feb 2011|07:58pm]

i'll just post this so i don't have to type it again.

Dear Immune System Blog

thanx for the support everyone. :)
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Attempt #2 [02 Feb 2011|12:48am]

thanx for all the good vibes. :)

so far i have been given another platelet transfusion. it only went up to 10000 last they checked. i was down to 7000 when i was told to come back in. they were up to 55000 last wednesday so i don't know what's destroying them. i'll be getting more transfusions. waiting on one to get here tonight. the normal amount of platelets for humans is 150,000 to 450,000. so yeah, i'm runnin low!

i did get two really bad nosebleeds this morning. that sucked because there was so much running down my throat and coming out my nose i couldn't breathe and i was choking on it. so fkn gross!

even though i'm getting platelets we still need to figure out what it destroying them. it could be a temporary virus. it could be my spleen confusing good cells as bad and killing them. it could be my bone marrow is malfunctioning and many other things.

this is why it's called ITP. it's rare and drs cannot figure out why ppl get it. so we have to basically rule things out.

to make this sound less confusing:

"Platelets play a fundamental role in hemostasis and are a natural source of growth factors. They circulate in the blood of mammals and are involved in hemostasis, leading to the formation of blood clots. If the number of platelets is too low, excessive bleeding can occur."

I have Thrombocytopenia symptoms of ITP.

i was given these options:

take samples from my bone marrow (this is where our platelets are made) and see if it's malfunctioning.

be sent to morgantown (an hour or so away) and have my spleen removed.

take a drug all my life with shitty side effects.

try a type of chemo drug for 4 weeks.

i decided to do the 4 week chemo transfusion. (it's not chemo that will make me lose my hair, etc, but it will damage my kidneys pretty bad.) i already had my first today. amazingly i didn't have any side effects. not even the common ones. so, we'll see how tmw goes and what my platelets are.

it hasn't really sunk in for me that this is a serious thing and it could take a turn for the worst. everyone around me is really depressed about it. i just figure if life didn't want me it would have gotten rid of me one of the many times i tried to to leave it behind.

i'll get through this.

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I must be this horrible entity [01 Feb 2011|11:49am]

Probably angering and triggering and what notCollapse )

In other news, I bought a rat to have something to that would love me unconditionally. I chose a rat because I'm not allowed to have dogs or cats. And rats are pretty damn intelligent(I've owned one before).

She got sick the day after I got her. It was only sneezing then. And then I noticed she had diarrhea and wasn't eating. And then I saw she had the beginnings of bumblefoot.

I made an appointment to take her to the vet today. But she passed away last night.

So yeah, the one thing that could have actually loved me unconditionally passed away within 3 days of having it.
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well fuck [31 Jan 2011|07:27pm]

my dr called saying i need to come back to the emergency room immediately. fuck. fuck fuck. i had my blood taken today and apparently my plateletts are low again. :(

think of me or something. :(
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[31 Jan 2011|01:34am]

judgementalCollapse )
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please help me.... [29 Jan 2011|08:26pm]

[ mood | distressed ]

x-posted to cuttingimage and depression

im desperate. im faling apart in just about every sense of the word. i dont know who i am anymore. im selfish, conniving, needy. but this isnt me. i want me back, i have just about no friends, no one to talk to, no where to go. and i honestly dont think i can be this way any longer. i want to die. i want scream, i want to disappear. i want some sort of happiness. i dont know what i want. im a fucking mess and i cannot go on this way. i cannot be like this anymore. i have no money, hardly any insurance, no real address, nothing. so getting help is just about impossible. im beyond frustrated. im desperate to feel better in anyway.

i dont even think im making sense at this point. im so tired of trying to be ok. ive pushed everything good away. this is all thats left. im nothing now.

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[27 Jan 2011|07:12pm]

Theres a wall in my head I used to sit and stare at. Then I took my pen and wrote all across the surface. All my thoughts and desires splayed across the blank. Now when I look all I see are feelings long lost. Empty threats incomplete in meaning. Now theres a key where my mouth used to be, keeping all my secrets locked deep inside within me. So as I sit here looking far away I remember what it used to be like. To feel the warmth of the sun and the pain of the knife. Now I stand and I turn spinning all around. Letting go, feeling free never staying still. I smile I laugh I lift myself back up To a place in my brain untouched by dark or pain. Where all is light and Im strong once again. Then I see what Ive become, and where I came from. I look at that wall, and decide not to go back. I take a cloth and wipe it all away. Choose to erase all my dark and black. And vow never to return again.
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[27 Jan 2011|06:20pm]

[ mood | confused ]

So Im at second cup with my best friend and shes studying and Im thinking. This is almost never a good thing. And today is no exception. I was going through all my messages and notes from my ex and deleting them all. But idiot that I am I decided to read one of them. And while I was reading it made me smile because for a moment I forgot that he was ex and that he doesnt love me anymore. And that he maybe never did. So anyway after I finished reading it made me really sad to realize that nothing that I read was true anymore. And I dont really know how Im going to react the next time that I realize this. Because when I came back down to reality I was really hurt and upset. But we've been broken up for over 2 months. And I dont know whats wrong with me that I cant let him go. He was a lying cheating abusive asshole. And I know in my mind that he didnt really love me and that Im better off without him, just with my friends and family and myself. Im happier now without him, but its hard to be alone.

On the bright side I feel really loved by my friends and sisters. I have 3 sisters (not blood related but closer to me than my actual family.) and its nice to realize that they love me. :)

Srry this post doesnt really make sense, neither do my thoughts and I just needed to get them down on, well not paper but you know what I mean.

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[26 Jan 2011|09:48pm]

i'm so fucking tired of feeling so out of control with my emotions. i just started taking zoloft, and i really fucking need a therapist, but i can't afford one and i honestly don't think i can be helped. i deserve to be alone right now. i deserve this.

this is my desperate attempt of reaching out. does anyone have AIM, or facebook, or whatever, that wants to chat and complain about everything fucking possible with me?

let me know. send me a message or something.

i'm sorry about this jumbled mess.
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"Who am I" [24 Jan 2011|01:53pm]

I realize the phrase "who am I" generally is about the inside, your personality and such.. But what about being able to recognize yourself?

Quite a few times I've passed by a mirror or something in a store and had to look over to see who it was, because I didn't automatically recognize my reflection as me. I find it odd. I've had this body my whole life and yet I have trouble recognizing myself?

Then in dreams... have you ever seen yourself in a dream? Thinking about it, I can't ever recall seeing myself in a mirror, but instead from 3rd person (but then again, I can't recall ever seeing a mirror at all in my dreams). And the "me" that I see is never the one I see while I'm awake. So sometimes when I'm awake and looking at myself, I wonder why I look different from the me in my dreams. And then I wonder which "me" is the real one.
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[23 Jan 2011|02:38pm]

is anyone around here on disability?
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[23 Jan 2011|03:08pm]

Its weird to know that Ill never be good enough....I wasnt good enough for colin, or robert, or my family, or my friends. And I just realized that Ill never be good enough for him because Ill never be her. It hurts like a bitch and a half.
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Insanity [22 Jan 2011|10:17pm]

[ mood | unloved ]

Ok so Im calm enough to type now. So this is me venting. I was (and still am) out for coffee/studying with my friend. And I was also talking to my crush/other best friend. And then I had too much caffeine and got jittery and my emotions went into a free fall. And I was this shaky upset hurt angry frustrated ball of anxiety. Thats not an exaggeration. And I know why. The crush/best friend is still in love with his ex who happens to be a friend of mine. And even though he knows I like him he's being really difficult and kind of two faced with me. Which hurts. And like I know he still loves his ex even though she was kind of really terrible to him. It hurts me that he talks to her more than me when I've been better to him and for him. Im not a jealous person really Im not, but just knowing that he still loves her and hangs out with her and wants her and prefers her over me hurts and makes me see red. I would be so much better for him than she ever was. And I think he knows that. But still he's keeping me at a distance. I mean we talk about anything and everything. But Im not what he wants even though Im better than her. And thats not me being egotistic or mean. I am a better person and gf than she is. But everyone goes to her and wants her. Im just feeling really unloved and rejected. Plus Im mentally unstable right now so his rejection is that much more painful. He's kind of my rock and safety net. So it just really hurts knowing that despite the fact that she hurt him and cheated on him and took advantage of him he still loves her and wont look twice at me. And I feel unloved a lot already so this just makes it that much worse. And I dont understand it. :( Advice? Comments?

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Responsibility [21 Jan 2011|03:10pm]

My borderline person keeps being caustic and difficult, like leaving in the middle of an outing with out a word, then shows up 36 hours later and is mad at ME for it, but wont tell that I did anything wrong.... She is often mad at me for her choices, which i understand is part bpd, but what can I do??
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[21 Jan 2011|04:23pm]

Tips on managing anger? My rage has been out of control recently, I've screamed and shouted, verbally abused people, smashed my favourite things. I hate the person I've become. I used to have a grip on anger so surely I can again? But yeah, any tips on how to manage angry feelings are appreciated.
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