real right now

This morning I cried a lot. That was actually good. Not a raging, isolated, terrified cry, but a (is this true? yes.) loving, healing, accepting and surrendering cry.

I then went into my day and had ups and downs... allowing and accepting that I am depressed. You know, this whole eastern message of "just release the suffering and be in the now" can be a mindfuck because sometimes I think we really just need to see ourselves for who we are and what we love, fear, and need to evolve.

Suffering is such a deep teacher, but that doesn't mean we go hunting for it when we're lost. 

So at 4 oclock i spoke to my counselor, who took me, via telephone, on a guided meditation. It is a body-integrating meditation that brings me into the stillness of my core. And then all was fine. Painful, but fine. Scary, but fine. It just is and who I am is not a composite of these projections, relationships and dramas. Who I am emanates from a timeless and infinitely ordered place. I don't know much of who I am and my crisis is centered in this lostness without my lover's daily incantations. What I do know is that who I am CAN BE FOUND AND EXPRESSED through a conscious dialogue with my own intimate being - a being that doesnt have to think its way in and out of every situation.

So for tonight I am feeling love for myself, and it is a very appreciated state.  

ugh dramaz

I hate when people make dramatic posts where we're all supposed to get riled up, and then they turn off the comments feature.

ugh maybe i just hate everyone today.

it's just one of those days. black and white, y'know.

(no subject)

Standing up for what you believe is never easy. Especially when it costs you. You may lose friends and acquire enemies and that's what I've done. I'm not brave or heroic. Quite the opposite but I've realised recently that I have even less if I am passive. It is a virtue to be hated for integrity than be liked for keeping your mouth shut.My illness has cost me a lot of friendships as a result of my erratic and often irrational behaviour.Being a pariah in a social scene is not something to be worn as a badge of honour. Alienating people out of anger is not something I wanted to achieve but unfortunately I have.

The city I live in has a very small punk scene that has recently been overun by Nazi skinheads.I refused to be a part of them having come from a country where I have seen the result of such hatred. The area I tend to socialise has become a hell hole. Tourists don't want to go there and the police have started patrolling.There is opposition from organisations but they often use violence and that's not something I want to condone. I have put myself in a difficult position. I don;t want to surrender my ideals out of fear and I don't want to make enemies out of people who are dangerous.Someone who I was a friend of has decided to adopt their attitudes and as punishment whatever perceived wrong has decided to sabotage my relationships. A good example of why one should never give people second chances out of pity. I am so angry with that person I could scream and angry for myself for being conned. Again.

My illness makes me see people in terms of black and white. I know this. But I have always prided myself on giving people the space to be whoever they believe themselves to be. But recently I have no tolerance. All I feel is betrayal and anger at the cruelty people in my life are capable of.And indignation that once again my side of the story won't be heard and I will once again bee that crazy girl and nothing I say now or ever will change that.At least they are people who can count on the fact I told the truth and am standing by it.

(no subject)

I would like to wake up knowing that my decisions are rational. I would like to feel in control, capable, and not simply lucky that my boyfriend is very patient.

I want to feel like a capable individual, not an emotional time bomb. I wish I didn't know so much about BPD. I wish I didn't know I had it. I would like to be a contributor, not a recipient. I would like to be considered useful, instead of a struggling work in progress. I would like to stop questioning all decisions I make. I wish I could manage my malfunctioning amygdala.

I wish the desire for escape wasn't so strong. Maybe then I'd actually make some progress.

(no subject)

I don't know how to deal with the random feelings of paranoia I have about my relationship. I am constantly thinking my boyfriend is thinking about his ex, thinks I'm boring, or is only with me because he feels like he has to be. And then I'll do stupid things like get really drunk and try to make-out with his friend (who is a girl), or accuse him of flirting with other girls, which I realize later was just me being stupid. I used to think this type of behavior I exhibited was normal...

And when I am feeling really bad, I have doubts about our relationship, and all I want to do is destroy myself.

I crave stability.

I want him to crave me, yet I don't always want to give him the attention back. And I feel guilty for this. :/

Attempt #2

thanx for all the good vibes. :)

so far i have been given another platelet transfusion. it only went up to 10000 last they checked. i was down to 7000 when i was told to come back in. they were up to 55000 last wednesday so i don't know what's destroying them. i'll be getting more transfusions. waiting on one to get here tonight. the normal amount of platelets for humans is 150,000 to 450,000. so yeah, i'm runnin low!

i did get two really bad nosebleeds this morning. that sucked because there was so much running down my throat and coming out my nose i couldn't breathe and i was choking on it. so fkn gross!

even though i'm getting platelets we still need to figure out what it destroying them. it could be a temporary virus. it could be my spleen confusing good cells as bad and killing them. it could be my bone marrow is malfunctioning and many other things.

this is why it's called ITP. it's rare and drs cannot figure out why ppl get it. so we have to basically rule things out.

to make this sound less confusing:

"Platelets play a fundamental role in hemostasis and are a natural source of growth factors. They circulate in the blood of mammals and are involved in hemostasis, leading to the formation of blood clots. If the number of platelets is too low, excessive bleeding can occur."

I have Thrombocytopenia symptoms of ITP.

i was given these options:

take samples from my bone marrow (this is where our platelets are made) and see if it's malfunctioning.

be sent to morgantown (an hour or so away) and have my spleen removed.

take a drug all my life with shitty side effects.

try a type of chemo drug for 4 weeks.

i decided to do the 4 week chemo transfusion. (it's not chemo that will make me lose my hair, etc, but it will damage my kidneys pretty bad.) i already had my first today. amazingly i didn't have any side effects. not even the common ones. so, we'll see how tmw goes and what my platelets are.

it hasn't really sunk in for me that this is a serious thing and it could take a turn for the worst. everyone around me is really depressed about it. i just figure if life didn't want me it would have gotten rid of me one of the many times i tried to to leave it behind.

i'll get through this.

maria psychotictest

I must be this horrible entity

Probably angering and triggering and what notCollapse )

In other news, I bought a rat to have something to that would love me unconditionally. I chose a rat because I'm not allowed to have dogs or cats. And rats are pretty damn intelligent(I've owned one before).

She got sick the day after I got her. It was only sneezing then. And then I noticed she had diarrhea and wasn't eating. And then I saw she had the beginnings of bumblefoot.

I made an appointment to take her to the vet today. But she passed away last night.

So yeah, the one thing that could have actually loved me unconditionally passed away within 3 days of having it.

well fuck

my dr called saying i need to come back to the emergency room immediately. fuck. fuck fuck. i had my blood taken today and apparently my plateletts are low again. :(

think of me or something. :(